Thursday, November 29, 2012

Accepting a Closing Door

When I first started this blog, over 4 years ago, I was a much different person.  I was raising two kids under the age of 2, and had one foot firmly planted in the role of exasperated Mother, while the big toe of the other foot was reaching and stretching to touch down into a more spiritual existence.  It was very difficult for me, the transition into Motherhood.  I put an awful lot of pressure on myself to be perfect, and at times, for my children to be perfect.  I had unrealistic expectations of what it meant to be a good Mom.  (I have earned the right to slowly shake my head at myself, with a knowing smile)  I did slowly learn over time that most times the best thing to do is let the kids run the show!  This could include:

  • Letting the kids run around butt naked.
  • Asking the kids questions that you don't think they can answer, and listening carefully to the wise things that they say.
  • When running errands downtown, let your toddlers walk as slow as they want to. Bask in the joy they have for all Life. 
  • Encourage the kids to get Dirty ~ mud, paint, playdough. 
  • Then let them do water play in the kitchen sink. 
I spent a lot of time enjoying my kids, and have tried to be conscious that each phase the kids went through would soon pass.  I also try to let go of them a tiny bit at a time, as though I'm feeding my heart strings out, just a bit more, with every transition:  preschool, playdates, kindergarten, sleepovers ...  and when it feels like too much is happening at once, or they're growing up too fast, I make it a point to tell them that I love them and that I'm proud of them.  I tell them that I'll always love them.

Four years ago, I wanted so badly to find peace and calm, and to let go of the terrible anxiety that plagued me.  I suffered.  And then I punished myself for not being able to be "normal". This blog saved me, and helped me learn to accept myself, my situation at any given moment, and my new role as Mommy. I see now how terribly hard I was on myself.  But I will tell you honestly, I am so grateful for the opportunities I was given in the gift of those hard times.  I lived through those feelings and moments. I faced the darkest, most bitter, angry and frustrated version of myself, and I am okay now - and my kids are okay too.  When I had the kind of day that made me throw up my hands and surrender, that is when I truly started to touch on the lessons I was being taught.

Now that I am on the other side of that suffering, I rejoice every day, and revel in the loveliness of my life!  I feel so much better these days, and I'm reflecting today on the long journey that it's been from the start of this blog.  When I created the title "Woman At Peace", it was a faint wish, a signal to the Universe for what I wanted so badly.  I am so happy to report that I actually do feel at peace most days ... I feel happy, purposeful and connected.  I feel that I want to spread Joy and Love to as many people as I can, and I feel blessed that I can reach people through my yoga classes.  I feel privileged and honoured to be where I am, but I also know how hard I have worked to get to this place.  I read somewhere recently about the revelation of Bliss as being obvious ... and to a point, I agree with the idea of happiness being an effortless state.  However, one needs to be at a place in their mind and heart where they are free to enjoy that obvious state.  The best way that we can fully experience the state of bliss is by knowing what the opposite extreme feels like. Anger, fear, mistrust, frustration, anxiety, worry, sadness ... they are all portals to joy.

Now, it is with mixed feelings that I announce that I am finally wrapping up this blog.  I will still write, of course, but it will be on my new website:
It has been an incredible journey, and I feel sadness at letting it go, but it is definitely time for me to move on.  I started this blog so that I could air my feelings through my writing, and so that I could have a record of the journey I was on.  You can still read the articles here, as I will not be disabling the blog.  Comments will still be open. 

Thank you to those who supported me just by reading.  Some of you I'll never meet, and I'll never even know that you read my blog, but I felt you on some level - I know I did.

The light in me sees the light in you ~ Namaste, Nicole

1 comment:

  1. Hi Nicole,

    This post is so touching. Best wishes to you in your journey. May you follow your heart's wishes as it continues to unfold.Have a blessed 2013.